Humans are messy.
This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone, yet I find myself saying this more often than not to a woman who feels like she’s being scared out of the IT field. I’m not justifying any of the gamer gate idiots, nor am I saying “carry on” to those who would act sub-human in the workplace. But I will say it again: humans are messy.
It’s disagreeable that there are men who treat women in IT badly, as though they don’t belong or they should be okay with crude behavior because they are working with men. It’s equally as disagreeable to say, “they treated me poorly!” while recounting instances where you’ve indicated that they looked at you for a response but you said nothing, or you complained multiple times but “nothing happened.”
I want to talk about that one. I want to talk about complaining multiple times, but nothing happening.
You are not special.
Our society has convinced us that somehow we are special because we have chosen this profession. I assert otherwise. It is no more special that I have chosen my profession than it is that any other human has chosen theirs. You cannot complain about not being treated as an equal yet demand, or even simply accept, the praise given for being different.
It is illogical to assume that other people know how we wish to be treated. They don’t know, until we tell them, and to assume otherwise is borderline arrogant. What makes you so special, that other people should automagically know your quirks, your preferences, your wishes? No one knows any of this until you tell them. It’s a relationship and all relationships are work! I think about it this way: I love my husband deeply- I’m biologically attracted to him and he’s my best friend- but it takes WORK to actually like living with him. I’m messier than he is, he is more wasteful than I am. It’s taken a very long time for us to find a good balance, and we LIVE together. It’s not logical to think that a professional relationship should work itself out more quickly- it takes time and requires commitment.
Think about how YOU are communicating.
If you have to say something more than two or three times, STOP. Immediately discontinue that method of communication- you are not communicating successfully. You cannot control how other people act, but you can control your response to those actions. Communicate in such a way that you will be heard. We all learn differently, we all perceive differently; it should come as no surprise that sometimes, alternative communication strategies need to used to be effective. You might need to use a different strategy to get your point across.
It is entirely feasible to be polite yet firm. There’s nothing wrong with that (and who the heck convinced you otherwise?!!). You are the only one that can tell other people that how they are treating you is not okay. Here’s a strategy: think of it less like saying “No, I don’t want to go out with you” and more like “No, I don’t want guacamole on my tacos.*” Because that’s what it is! You’re not necessarily rejecting the person on a person level, but rather giving them specific guidance on your preferences. Speak up, or you are getting stuck with unwanted guacamole, my friend. You also may have to explicitly state what you are doing. Especially in IT, we all should have learned by now that you cannot assume that the user knows ANYTHING.
You will not get anywhere by avoiding issues.
Face issues directly. By being “truthful, gentle, and fearless” in both our thoughts and actions, we can create the workplace experience that we want to have. Sure, some places may not actually wanted to have hired a woman after all, but they did and you are there and for goodness’ sake, have more fortitude than that.
Example: I recently read a blog post wherein the woman describes an explicit image being shown in a slideshow during a meeting. She said that all the men in the room turned to look at her- but she said nothing (she complained later).
DO SOMETHING!! Responses range from the “Mom look” with a “Really, Bob?**”, to a professional “I have to say, that’s definitely not workplace appropriate” or the sarcastic “wow it’s way too early in the day for THAT” remark. BUT YOU MUST DO SOMETHING! Anyone who would do that in the first place is clearly looking for some sort of response or feedback, and silence will only egg them on, in a true teenage-boy sort of way.
It’s a two-way street.
Everyone needs to be involved in resolving this issue. There are genuinely sexist men and there are genuinely treat-me-like-a-princess women, and vice versa! Approaching the issue by complaining will not solve anything. Approaching the issue with the same matter-of-fact that you would treat any other working issues (like the phones are down, or the printer has run out of ink) is employing the smarts that landed you that job in the first place. Work on presenting it as a team issue, rather than a personal shortcoming of the other party that needs to be corrected. “I’ve noticed that we seem to lack some diversity awareness. Is there already a plan in place to remedy this? Is there any way I can help?”
Maybe it’s time for a new adventure. Then again, maybe it’s time to develop leadership-worthy career skills and personal fortitude.
*I would never reject guacamole, but I have heard that there are others who do.
**I have never met a sexist male named Bob, nor am I claiming that men named Bob are more likely to be unprofessional.